To New Beginnings...

February marks the twentieth year I would have been at StoneBridge Church in Charlotte, NC.¹ I first showed up on a Sunday in February to begin serving as a youth intern. “Would have been.” Past tense. Now, I find myself embarking on new beginnings with my family. While I am unsure of what is next, I am excited about what opportunities could come next on the horizon. I have to be fully transparent, though, in saying that I am also sad to have to say goodbye to familiar faces and places.

To not bore you with too much history, my past is full of a reformed variation of the Christian faith. I grew up in the Reformed and Pentecostal traditions. I got my undergrad at an Assemblies of God school while getting to worship at Bethlehem Baptist Church with John Piper. Moving to North Carolina was to continue my study in the reformed traditions at Reformed Theological Seminary (RTS) and, in the end, become an ordained minister in the Presbyterian Church in America (PCA). In 2009, I was ordained, and I didn’t look back. Ministry was calling and was exciting. Walking alongside students as they navigate life, friends, and their futures. It was truly a wonderful time and blessing to get to do that at ONE church for almost 20 years. I had the privilege of seeing students from middle school to graduation. Even more, I officiated some of their weddings, baptized some of their babies, and even got to work alongside a couple of them as staff members.

However, my desire to continue studying and learning kept gnawing at me. Each study was a lesson in just how ignorant I was…I am. My book list would grow and grow and grow with each passing week. Many years ago, I stumbled upon a quote from Franz Kafka. I regularly reference this quote, as it describes my drive so vividly. In a 1904 letter about why someone should read, he wrote,

I think we ought to read only the kind of books that wound and stab us. If the book we’re reading doesn’t wake us up with a blow on the head, what are we reading it for? So that it will make us happy, as you write? Good Lord, we would be happy precisely if we had no books, and the kind of books that make us happy are the kind we could write ourselves if we had to. But we need the books that affect us like a disaster, that grieve us deeply, like the death of someone we loved more than ourselves, like being banished into forests far from everyone, like a suicide. A book must be the axe for the frozen sea inside us. That is my belief.

Yes! An axe! An axe to break loose the ice. To reveal the blind spots. I want to expose the parts of myself that could be right but, more likely, wrong. We are for the better to assess ourselves, to dig deep, to wrestle with our minds and hearts. Without going into a lot of depth, biases are definitely at play. Even more so when there is something at stake like identity and livelihood.

So, to go back to the beginning. Why would this month have been my twentieth year rather than is my twentieth year? I decided to study a deeply held belief in the PCA that only men can serve in the ordained office of elder/pastor and deacon. I knew strong, well-educated men and women did not agree with our position and deeply loved Jesus and the Scriptures. What did they see that made them hold this position? For so long, I had thought they had to be wrong here but did not take the time to ask whether I might be!²

Along with this topic, I thought I would delve into my circles' typically held teachings about marriage. For example, how do men and women relate to each other in marriage? Is the husband to lead? To be the decision-maker? Is he the “head of the home?” The common and yet blurring words often used are “complementarian” and “egalitarian.” At a later time, I will unpack why I believe those terms are poorly chosen, blurry, and even disingenuous or misleading.³ Right now, my point is that I touched the “third rail” for our denomination. It didn’t have to be that; it only became that when I landed the study and changed my conviction, which took me out of alignment with the governmental standards of the denomination.⁴ For some topics, it seems that only certain study is acceptable study.

I will be writing more in the future. My path of study. The many resources I studied. And my findings. Right now, I want to wrap up with two thoughts and then a toast to new beginnings.

First, this is a matter of interpretation of the Scriptures, NOT whether you want to believe they are the Scriptures or not. And, for that matter, I can understand how others get to the conclusions of “complementarianism.” However, as a matter of interpretation, I came to see the better interpretation to lead to a partnership in home, church, and society. I admit I am not 100% certain in my new position. Yet, I do believe now the “egalitarian” position is a stronger explanation of scriptures, history, and culture.

While NOT my primary driver in undertaking this study (Even if I have been accused of this being the reason), I do think when we arrive in heaven, we will learn we are wrong in many of our theological positions. Now that I have seen strong, biblically grounded, conservative Christians unpack this position, I realize if this is one I will be wrong in at the end of time, then so be it. I would rather stand with brothers AND sisters in proclaiming the gospel, serving the church and community for the sake of the gospel than not encourage a sister who feels called to ministry because of my interpretation of Scripture.⁵

Second, and more importantly, an apology. For many years, I rested on the study of only others in my theological camp. I fell prey to proof-texting and confirmation bias. Even more, I let comfort and privilege blind me to good, biblical, and historical scholarship, leading to a different conclusion than the PCA. I had it made, really. A good paying job. Influence, respect, and even more, a long history of walking alongside people through many stages of life, as I shared. I apologize to my sisters in Christ, whom I judged for holding such views. I apologize for not taking the scholarship seriously and straw-manning the other side. Even more, I apologize for not seeing how you have had to navigate a world differently than I do as a man. I never had to question my ministry calling to the same depths that some of my sisters have had to wrestle with. I am sorry it took me this long to take seriously the other viewpoint.

And so, a toast to new beginnings. Wherever you find yourself, tomorrow is still a new day. Even if you are not embarking out into the unknown of a new job, new community, or a new season of life, tomorrow is still NEW. Every day is an opportunity to start anew. Every day is an opportunity to be willing to let the axe find the ice and chip away at something new, fresh, and alive. Even more, every day is an opportunity to step out in HIS love, following wherever he may lead.

Finally, a toast to StoneBridge: Even if we disagree and part ways, may God bless you and protect you, and may he smile on you and be gracious to you. May God show you his favor and give you his peace.

1. Now is not the time to share the whole story. However, when that day comes, it will always carry with it, Lord willing, a tone of graciousness. During the last year, I have referenced the story of Paul and Barnabas multiple times in Acts 15 in sermons and comments. They came to a disagreement and decided it was best to go their separate ways. And yet ministry was accomplished by both. I am saddened by the process, the conclusions, and the outcomes, but the gospel will still go further because it is God who moves and changes hearts. There are still important things to consider, learn, and grow from the last year. In all of this, good will still come. God will still move and work and bring many to saving faith in Jesus.

2. To be completely honest, it was more about not questioning the reasons my circles gave for my current beliefs. After all, normalcy can blind us to complexity. The answers given seemed good; they had biblical references, and everyone around me held to them—really smart people, too! That is what made studying the topics all the more difficult.

3. You will find many different terms, some more inflammatory than others. I have come to like the terms mutualist to explain the egalitarian position and hierarchicalist to explain the complementarian position. While I don’t want to get too in-depth in a footnote, both positions believe in the complementary nature of men and women. The difference comes down to whether the complementarian roles are vertical or horizontal, meaning male-only leadership or co-leadership.

4. Fun fact: The Westminster Standards (Confession of Faith, Larger & Shorter Catechisms) say nothing about marriage structure or gender specifics for leadership. Granted, when they were written, I would imagine they would have explicitly said it was male-only. The only reference to male-only leadership is in the Book of Church Order, where this prescription is found.

5. I am not saying those who hold a complementarian position do NOT want women to serve the kingdom, follow their calling, or lead in certain capacities. But they do believe a calling on a woman would never lead them to a call to be a pastor/elder/deacon. And some would include preaching in that category. I am also NOT saying that complementarians view women as lesser or unequal. A common saying in the complementarian camp is, “Equal in being, different in function.” A phrase that is logically problematic. However, this has not always been the case. Historically, the church HAS viewed women in this inferior way. A short history is that you can see in published works the argument of why women cannot lead die out in the 19th century. The reasons most often stated prior to the 19th century were that women were more easily deceived and were inferior to men.